What I did this week 3/31/17

Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies. Started week at 14,612 words. Finished week at 21,155 words.

2017 To-Do List

• Theo Thwaite One:  Theo Thwaite Had A Secret - Go over third draft in July
• Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of June
• Pocket Hole Five: Goodnight Mr. Moon - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of September
• Theo Thwaite Three: Start to write in October
• Pocket Hole Two: Boys And Other Irritants - One last review (DONE 3/3/17)
• Pocket Hole Three: What Not To Wear To A Prison Party - Go over first draft sometime in March(DONE 3/6/17)
• Theo Thwaite Two: Theo Thwaite Had A Problem - Finish first draft ((100,000 words) by mid-March (DONE 3/1/17)
• Pocket Hole One: What A Girl Wants - One last review (DONE 3/2/17)

Thursday - DAMMIT

But Oliv was handcuffed to an itchy chair and she didn’t have a piece of paper or a pencil to write a phrase and then end it with a colon. So she just said the four-letter words that came to mind. This had an immediate effect on her captors, who either weren’t used to hearing four-letter words or weren’t impressed with her street poetry. Maybe they all thought they could do better, but none of them said anything. The woman got up, went to the kitchen, and a moment later came back with a roll of duct tape. Where her expression had been blank a moment ago, she seemed very disapproving now. Oliv twisted her head so the woman couldn’t put the tape over her mouth, all the while slinging four-letter words like flapjacks (she hadn’t repeated herself yet), but then one of the men got up and helped. Oliv’s tirade ended.  Well . . . dammit.

Wednesday - COLON

A colon is used to introduce an item or a series of items. In this case, Oliv could have written the phrase words to say when you wake up with a headache and you are handcuffed to an itchy chair. This phrase would then have a colon at the end of it, and then she could have listed a number of four-letter words. Merry would not have been one of those words following the colon, and not just because it had more than four letters.

Tuesday - BACKSTAGE

Having a backstage pass to a band that really sucks is nothing to brag about. That’s what Oliv thought when she surfaced from unconsciousness. When she opened her eyes, she found she was in a room, comfortably furnished with retro-looking 50s-style furniture – a teal, formica table in one corner, a television cabinet that looked like it might also have a turntable, a matching sofa and chair made of some kind of fuzzy, itchy material. She was sitting on the chair. There were two men and a woman on the couch across from her, watching her. Oliv felt woozy. She reached up and felt her head and found that it was wrapped in a bandage. The three people on the couch had a retro look themselves. Not 50s per se, but they had only advanced a couple decades, maybe to the 70s. All three stared at Oliv with blank, uncaring eyes. Oliv changed her mind about the furniture. It wasn’t 50s-style. It was just plain 50s. Maybe she had slipped back in time.

Monday - ACCUSTOMED

Count your blessings. Enough is a feast. These are more than just platitudes. If a recognition of the good that comes with life resided in the breast of every human, anger and fear would be rare.  But it is more common to receive and then hold out a hand for more, to grow accustomed to that which is not ours by right. When Oliv pulled out of the McDonald’s, Diet Coke and hamburger in hand, she did not notice the black Suburban that followed her. She was hungry and wanted to eat the burger as she drove, so she didn’t take the freeway. She wove through quiet neighborhoods, and in one particularly quiet neighborhood, the black Suburban stopped following altogether. Oliv took a bite of her burger, saw a black blur out of her side window, and then there was a jolt, and then a crash, and then she knew no more.

What I did this week 3/24/17

Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies. Started week at 11,133 words. Finished week at 14,612.

2017 To-Do List

• Theo Thwaite One:  Theo Thwaite Had A Secret - Go over third draft in July
• Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of June
• Pocket Hole Five: Goodnight Mr. Moon - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of September
• Theo Thwaite Three: Start to write in October
• Pocket Hole Two: Boys And Other Irritants - One last review (DONE 3/3/17)
• Pocket Hole Three: What Not To Wear To A Prison Party - Go over first draft sometime in March(DONE 3/6/17)
• Theo Thwaite Two: Theo Thwaite Had A Problem - Finish first draft ((100,000 words) by mid-March (DONE 3/1/17)
• Pocket Hole One: What A Girl Wants - One last review (DONE 3/2/17)

Thursday - GIRDLER

From time-to-time the writer of Oliv Everything came across a word he just had to use, even if it didn’t work within the context of the story. Girdler was one of those words. If you're thinking long-forgotten-Batman-villain, you would be wrong. A girdler is one who makes girdles. Oliv wasn’t a girdler, nor did she know anyone who girdled, so this truly was a pointless aside, but perhaps this brief treatise on girlders was for her a momentary diversion, a last bit of amusement to sustain her through what was coming. Oliv was about to step in some of the guano metaphor from the previous day.

Wednesday - GUANO

But that was the thing about guavas. Instead of eating them, some people made juice, and everyone knows that old saying about guava. Oliv couldn't remember exactly how it went, something like when life gives you guava make sure you don't accidentally make guano. She wasn't sure of the etymology. Didn't make sense to begin with. Did the guano come out of the guava or did it, you know, excrete from some other place because you were squeezing so hard?

Tuesday - GUAVA

The Miata being towed was life pitching low and away. And, not surprisingly, it was the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese that ended up tickling Oliv's fancy. It seemed like a mistake when she ordered, but while she waited for the car in front of her to move up, Oliv Googled the calories and found an acceptable number of 770. Sure, that seemed like a lot for just one sandwich, but if that’s all she ate today it would really be more like she was on a diet. If she got desperate tonight, Carlos, the South American man across the hall from her, had given her a whole box of guava the other day, and one guava has only 38 calories. She could eat ten of those babies and still be good.

Monday - GUSTATORY

In the game of baseball – not that Oliv was a baseball fan, or even a golf fan (as we have established earlier) – but in baseball, a good pitcher will throw certain pitches outside the plate, teasing  a batter, making him (or her, to avoid being sexist) think the next pitch will pass over a certain spot and thus get them to swing at a bad ball. Good pitchers learn this from observing life. Rene dropped Oliv off in front of her Miata, which had not been towed. This meant Oliv had her car and she was half a block away from a McDonald’s Diet Coke and maybe a Fruit ‘n Yogurt Parfait to satisfy her gustatory cravings. Or a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Whichever tickled her fancy.

What I did this week 3/17/17

Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies. Started week at 7,288 words. Finished week at 11,133.

2017 To-Do List

• Theo Thwaite One:  Theo Thwaite Had A Secret - Go over third draft in July
• Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of June
• Pocket Hole Five: Goodnight Mr. Moon - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of September
• Theo Thwaite Three: Start to write in October
• Pocket Hole Two: Boys And Other Irritants - One last review (DONE 3/3/17)
• Pocket Hole Three: What Not To Wear To A Prison Party - Go over first draft sometime in March(DONE 3/6/17)
• Theo Thwaite Two: Theo Thwaite Had A Problem - Finish first draft ((100,000 words) by mid-March (DONE 3/1/17)
• Pocket Hole One: What A Gril Wants - One last review (DONE 3/2/17)

Thursday - CONSOLE

The flirty policeman had not returned Oliv’s rubber band. When she'd asked about it, the guy and his nystagmus gave her a funny look. The arresting officer told her to hurry because there was every chance her car had not been towed yet. If she could get to it soon she might not have to pay to get it out of the yard. Oliv called her friend Renee, and Renee agreed to pick her up, but she told her she would not be offering Oliv a shoulder to cry on. Cecile had posted the whole confrontation to Facebook, a splice of footage taken from a monitor in the ugly baby’s room and a camera in the front room hidden in a console. The video was going viral and people were up in arms.

(see how I could have used console with Renee and the shoulder to cry on, but instead I went to TV console. A little writing trickery, using second level definition. Amazing, huh? Besides, Renee really isn't all that nice.)

Wednesday - ZITI

It was now mid-afternoon and Oliv was hungry. She’d basically had a Diet Coke for breakfast. When the cop was escorting her through the police station, they had passed through a small cafeteria. Well, cafeteria in a police station, so, enough description there, but she had seen a trough of ziti behind one of the windows. It even looked edible. Better than the two-day-old leftover burrito in the fridge awaiting Oliv when she got home. The cop hadn't let her stop to make an order though.

Tuesday - NYSTAGMUS

Two hours in a jail cell had never seemed like it could be a consequence tethered to Diet Coke addiction. Oliv couldn’t even twang her rubber band because they had taken it away from her when they checked her in. After a couple hours, the same cop who arrested her came to the jail cell and called her name. He led her through the jail facility to the front, and a man behind a window checked her out. The guy checking her out was an older gentleman, a little on edge, it seemed, nervous, and he even seemed to wink at her once. When she gave him a funny look, he told her hadn’t been flirting. It was an eye condition, an involuntary spasmodic motion of the eyeball called a nystagmus. Oliv took his word for it, but when she got her things and exited the police station, she found he had slipped a piece of paper in her purse with his number on it.

Monday - INSOUCIANT

Oliv had never read a book, or an article, or a blog post on how to compose yourself when sitting on a toilet in a public area. Maybe she  just needed to expand her reading list. Oliv chose to go for insouciant, but instead of seeming cheerfully nonchalant, her expression apparently communicated more of a come-hither attitude. She got a couple of phone numbers and Facebook friend request.

What I did this week - 3/10/17

Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies. Started week at 0 words. Finished week at 7,288.

2017 To-Do List

• Pocket Hole Three: What Not To Wear To A Prison Party - Go over first draft sometime in March (DONE 3/6/17)
• Theo Thwaite One: Theo Thwaite Had A Secret - Go over third draft in July
• Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of June
• Pocket Hole Five: Goodnight Mr. Moon - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of September
• Theo Thwaite Three: Start to write in October
• Pocket Hole Two: Boys And Other Irritants - One last review (DONE 3/3/17)
• Theo Thwaite Two: Theo Thwaite Had A Problem - Finish first draft ((100,000 words) by mid-March (DONE 3/1/17)
• Pocket Hole One: What A Gril Wants - One last review (DONE 3/2/17)

Thursday - BLADDER

Oliv didn’t really think of her car as a vehicle. She didn’t think of any cars as vehicles. Who called them vehicles? Well, who besides the cop? When Oliv was out of the car, the cop climbed in the driver’s seat then leaned over and looked on the passenger side. He asked her what the powder was spilled on the seat. It took Oliv a second, but then she really started laughing. Strike two. It was Jell-O, of course, but the cop was thinking “drug bust.” She watched as he actually stuck his pinky finger in the Jell-O like they do in the movies then tentatively touched it to his tongue. He was tasting pineapple flavor, if Oliv remembered correctly. That’s what really did it for Oliv. And that’s how she ended up in a jail cell with seventeen other women. Strike three. This explains how Oliv was able to put a check on her Bucket List by taking her first public pee. Her morning Diet Coke had to go somewhere.

Wednesday - ACROSPIRE

Some people might not know that acrospire is the term for the initial sprout that comes out of a germinating seed. It’s certainly not a crime to be unaware of this, but it would help understanding the following simile. The laugh that got Oliv arrested started small and insignificant, like an acrospire. The cop ambled up to Oliv’s Miata, and the fact that he needed to lean over so far to see her seemed like strike one. It was still early in the year so Oliv had the hardtop on. Driving a Miata is a little like gliding over asphalt, your butt just a couple inches from road rash. The cop almost had to lie down to converse with her. Oliv couldn’t tell at first what the cop was looking at because of his mirrored glasses. When he asked her to step out of the vehicle she started giggling.

Tuesday - TWANG

It was fat lady. Oliv found that out a few minutes later. An ugly baby singing had nothing to do with the show being over. Oliv hopped in her mint condition, 1995 Mazda Miata and sped out of the neighborhood, which apparently raised the suspicion - or at least the ire - of a policeman. Flashing lights are really only good at dance parties. Oliv could feel a tension headache forming. She needed another Diet Coke, and it didn’t help that when her car rolled to a stop she was only half a block away from a McDonald’s. The golden arches were visible but completely out of reach. She really needed that Diet Coke. Oliv lifted her arm and looked at the rubber band on her wrist. Twang.

Monday - SANG

If you’re the kind of person who reads tea leaves, you know there are days you should just flee to your bedroom and refuse to come out until the sun circles. Oliv figured she was okay though. The show was over, right? The ugly baby sang. Wasn’t that what it was, the ugly baby singing? Or was it fat lady? She wasn’t sure.

What I did this week 3/3/17

Theo Thwaite Had A Problem - Began week at 79,100 words. Ended week at 85,646 words. Book is finished(3/1/17)! I intended it to be 100,000 words but I came to a natural stopping point. Anymore would have been forced. Next book to work on is Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies.

Whenever I finish a book I like to post my "Book is Finished" poem. So, here it is:

   This book will end
   meager collection of metaphor, simile
   story arcs that rose and fell
   shifted setting and by degrees
   faded in strength.

   Silent, without voice
   yet full of words, the riddle,
   formed in thinking womb of months or years
   then birthed to impartial scrutiny,
   release now
   fresh to the hands of strangers

   derivative, yet you will shine for some,
   fitting first for sequels spun in inkjet loins.
   Newborn, bear my name.

   Tomorrow I'll place pen on paper to,
   parent skills awanting,
   fashion another.

2017 To-Do List
Theo Thwaite Two: Theo Thwaite Had A Problem - Finish first draft ((100,000 words) by mid-March (DONE 3/1/17)
Pocket Hole One: What A Gril Wants - One last review DONE 3/2/17)
Pocket Hole Two: Boys And Other Irritants - One last review
Pocket Hole Three: What Not To Wear To A Prison Party - Go over first draft sometime in June
Theo Thwaite One:  Theo Thwaite Had A Secret - Go over third draft in July
Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of June
Pocket Hole Five: Goodnight Mr. Moon - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of September
Theo Thwaite Three: Start to write in October

Thursday - OPTIONAL

Thank goodness for caffeine-induced energy. Nine times out of ten Cecile would have come out on top in a fight. She was bigger and stronger. You would think nine months of carrying an extra thirty pounds would be great for strength training, but Oliv won the fight rather easily. She left Cecile’s condo to a chorus of screaming. Cecile even threw Oliv's half-opened baby gift after her, clearly indicating she hadn’t needed the giraffe chew toy. With how tight Oliv’s budget was, she wished she'd known bringing presents was optional.

Wednesday - HEADLOCK

Maybe it was because she had been caught in a lie the night before that Oliv’s attempt to fawn over Cecile’s ugly baby failed. Her performance was not convincing, and she knew this even as she recited a litany of the required words such as precious and coochy coo. The shouting match began while Oliv was still holding the baby and continued after Oliv set her or him down. Oliv had asked the baby’s name, hoping that would firmly establish the sex, but the supplied name of Jordan didn’t help. Cecile accused Oliv of thinking her baby was ugly, and instead of telling the truth, Oliv panicked and said she was acting funny because she was sick. This didn’t help because then Cecile yelled at Oliv for even visiting. The heated exchange deteriorated to a pushing contest, which ended when Oliv got Cecile in a headlock. Jordan the ugly baby started crying and Oliv let Cecile go.