Tuesday - ADVISORY

Oliv knew the drill though. When holding a friend’s newborn, you pretended the baby was beautiful. Just like when you took a ferry out to Nantucket, you avoided any kind of limerick creation. The government didn’t create advisories for such situations, but if you were halfway intelligent you didn’t need one. It would be nice, though, if Google one day created a service as part of their maps feature. Just a marker, maybe, something that said things like “ugly baby lives here,” or “reciting limericks in this town can result in death.”

Monday - USHER

There once was a man from Nantucket . . . this was more than just the beginning of a host of dirty limericks Oliv had thought up in her life. It was a mantra. Just the first line. She had never been to Nantucket, it wasn’t likely she ever would, but the mere fact that a town could be so libeled, so marred simply because of an unfortunate rhyme scheme, this seemed an apt parallel to the human condition. Take her friend Cecile’s ugly baby, for instance. That morning when Oliv was ushered  into the baby’s room, her first thought was that the baby really wasn’t that ugly. Her initial impression had been influenced by posted pictures with poor lighting. Oliv, however, had it set in her mind that the baby was ugly, and so even though her second impression was – “huh, not that ugly” – this only lasted a second, and then she began picking out irregularities in the baby’s appearance. Before Olive knew it, the baby was ugly again. Life was unfair. A name like Nantucket or a handful of poorly lit first pictures. Of such, sometimes, are unalterable courses set.

What I did this week 2/24/17

Things to do in 2017

• Pocket Hole One: What A Girl Wants - One last review
• Pocket Hole Two: Boys And Other Irritants - One last review
• Pocket Hole Three: What Not To Wear To A Prison Party - Go over first draft sometime in June
• Theo Thwaite Had A Secret - Go over third draft sometime in July
• Theo Thwaite Had A Problem - Finish first draft (100,000 words) by mid-March
• Pocket Hole Four: Polka Dies - Write first draft (50,000 words) by the end of June
• Pocket Hole Five: Goodnight Mr. Moon - Write first draft (50,000 words) by end of September
• Theo Thwaite #3 - Start next Theo Thwaite book in October

Theo Thwaite Had A Problem - Began week at 72,199 words. Ended week at 79,100.

Thursday - UGLIFY

Once she had her Diet Coke in hand, Oliv planned on visiting her friend Cecile who had just given birth to a boy or a girl. Oliv wasn't sure. Babies, especially newborns, had such a unisex quality for Oliv that she struggled even when the mothers dressed them in pink or blue. Oliv had to remind herself she wasn’t bitter about Cecile's run of good luck, converse to the version of luck Oliv currently weathered. So what if Cecile’s husband was recently out of medical school and had taken over his father’s practice? Wasn't that great? Both Oliv and Cecile were born of humble stock, but nowadays every conversation with Cecile was choked with words like country club, Lexus, and Jimmy Choo. It was irritating. Fortunately, life had a way of throwing curves at people fresh from a lottery win. Oliv had only seen pictures on social media, but Cecile's newborn was what some might call an ugly baby. The poor thing had been uglifying a whole swath of Facebook for two weeks now. Oliv didn’t feel bad thinking this because uglify was an actual word. Look it up. The car in front of Oliv moved and she pulled forward to the speaker. A voice blared something at her, unintelligible words, but Oliv didn’t need to understand them. She ordered her Diet Coke and only then started digging around in her ashtray for the required change. Just another day. She flicked her wristband and smiled.

Wednesday - WRISTBAND

As first steps go, some mornings' first steps were more exciting than others. Today was likely going to be a first-step-for-mankind sort of day that was less exciting. She was in the car line at McDonald's getting ready to order her first Diet Coke of the day. She’d already twanged the rubber wristband she wore to remind her that Diet Coke was a beverage she was trying to give up, but it hadn’t lessened her craving. She twanged the band a second time, really pulling back this time, but the pain on the inside of her wrist only seemed to strengthen her resolve to caffeinate.

Tuesday - OPEN MARRIAGE

Oliv believed the world was a wonderful place, but it was also unknowable, a lover in an open marriage no human could escape except through death. She accepted this as a maxim in her life, and greeted each new day like she was taking the first step for mankind on an alien planet.

Monday - LIMA BEAN

A love for Jell-O wasn’t Oliv’s defining characteristic, however, nor was it her pretty face or passion for boy bands. If you were to ask her friends, or even Oliv on a self-reflective day when she was feeling especially honest, all would tell you that Oliv’s defining characteristic was the world of paradox she inhabited. She was an animal lover but had been kicked out of PETA because she accidentally went on a seal-clubbing expedition. She had an eye for fashion but a weakness for Crocs and fanny packs. Butter beans were like candy to her, but lima beans gave her a rash.